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A case is built by the avoider to stop the relationship and to shut down their emotions, such as by being critical, finding faults in the other, and losing sexual interest. Asking certain questions can clarify this : The emotion of love makes us feel vulnerable.
As emotions go deeper the other person starts to tread on past wounds and any pain left over from past abandonments.
I don’t want to make you angry or scare you off I just don’t know how to express myself. Emotions are walled off so as to not feel vulnerable, leaving intimacy dead in the water.
Though even if there’s some fight involved, it usually moves to flight.
You try to speak to them but it never comes out right, it never comes out as the way that you think it should sound. They believe that they should just suck up the pain and work through it themselves At the beginning of the relationship, there is the honeymoon phase where so many chemicals are being released that many logical issues in character traits are not apparent.
The “I don’t need you or want you” mentality isolates you from your own feelings and those of others. The crux of it is that there is an inability to love – both to feel it and to give it.
Even that enormous sum pales into insignificance when compared with the Northern Irishman's off-course earnings, which were this week boosted by a multi-million pound equipment deal with Taylor Made.
Mc Ilroy also comes into the so-called 'Fifth Major' on the back of his recent wedding, but the 28-year-old - who is in his 10th full season as a professional - insists he still has the ambition to achieve much more in the game.
Beginning in childhood, the poisonous seed of the avoider mentality is planted: As a child cannot get their needs met when asking for them, or as they get rejected, they learn that they must rely on themselves alone to get what they desire.
The unresolved past comes into play again and again, and there’s nothing the avoider can do about it if they are not conscious of the feelings.
But the toxic effects surface in situations involving intimacy, aggression, abandonment, and fear.
Consider the avoider mentality a huge flight or fight response.
If I run away and don’t open up that will solve the problem, but I want that closeness so badly. without willing to risk potential hurt and abandonment… This leads to all that unknown insecurity, inability to express emotion, and fear of rejection.